Does this shock you yet? Or are you simply rolling your eyes and saying- here we go again. The real life irony is the woman I was married to, her maiden name was Noernberg. One would think that would remind me of her, but hardly. It is merely an interesting bit of trivia…
At any rate, I want a norn girlfriend.
Throughout my research I have actually come to embrace the norn, to the point where I am seriously thinking the norn character I end up making may well be my main. This will be a grand departure for me, since I ALWAYS play the “human” in MMORPGs. The norn are close enough, however, that they count as human to me, if not larger than life. Now one thing that is noticeable in ArenaNet’s canon of Guild Wars 2, is the dearth of information about the norn origins. I am certain ArenaNet will fill in the blanks when the time comes… But where as a race did they evolve from? Are they, as some speculate, descended from the Kodan (giant polar bears), or a mutation of human over the years, adapting the strongest of their genomes to survive in their hardy climate? Were they magically created like the Sylvari? Thus far little is known about how they came into being, only that their civilization has been around for a while, and they are a very proud folk whose tales are about as epic as their daily lives aspire to be.
So why WOULD I want a norn girlfriend anyway? Well, perhaps this sampling of what I have learned about the race might clue you in as to why I have taken a liking to them. Thirteen seems like a good number, since there are 13 cycles of the moon (often tied to women). Here we go then, 13 reasons why I want a norn girlfriend:
1- norn girls keep you warm at night: While the Charr may have fur, the prospect of laying down with one would be akin to having a tiger sleeping on my chest. Yes, you may be warm, but you may also end up as midnight snack! There is probably nothing more secure than being in the arms of a nine foot tall woman who generates body warmth like a radiator. Go get your own Jormag, this blanket is MINE!
2- There are no guessing games as to her mood: One thing the norn are famous for is their bluntness. While humans will beat around the bush in answer to the perennial and oft dangerous question- “What’s wrong, Dear?” a norn will tell it like it is. If she is REALLY upset at you, you might just bring out the animal in her… LITERALLY. Don’t mess with a wolf woman when it’s her time of the month, and you had better keep that toilet seat down… provided norn use indoor plumbing. My research is still a bit sketchy on that part.
3- No dainty ladies: no offense to the Sylvari, I am sure they are capable fighters, but like most flowers, they give off the air of being very fragile. Humans too are for the most part fraile, though they may be of stronger stock. Asurans strike me as easy to squish….although getting them out of their golems might be the trick. In fact, possibly the only equal to a norn woman would be a Charr woman…except for one minor detail. I am not into furries…. well, bear mode transformation not included. A norn woman will fight and bleed with the best of them, and will not say, “ow,” if she breaks a fingernail. She might just break YOUR fingernails though.
4- Independent streak as long as the Brand: You ever been with someone who was so needy you could not even go to the bathroom without them going into separation anxiety? Let me tell you that is no picnic, considering how independent I am. I enjoy the fact that a norn woman does not NEED me…she may WANT me however. Who knows, if my legend is as great as hers, she might want me for more than just occasional companionship! Nothing makes norn kids prouder than having parents with legends they can strive to live up to or surpass.
5- She has INK! Now I have a small confession to make. Though in just about every MMO I have played I have tattoos, in real life I have never gotten one. I used to design them in my late teens for friends in the metal community, but never quite got around to getting my own inkwork done. You can bet your sweet bippy that in GW2 I WILL have ink however. There is nothing sexier on a norn woman than seeing some awesome, dark, tribal artwork…especially if there is a story to tell behind it.
6- Long Hair: I am sure there are going to be norn with short hair, but I expect that would be in the minority, given their climate and needs. Long hair is insulating to a degree, and a huge turnon for me in many worlds, even more so if red hair. While I highly doubt ArenaNet will have me dating Eir Stegalkin in my personal story, I can at least hope for a norn girlfriend with a cascade of flowing crimson locks… and freckles… lots of freckles.
7- Hammers are not just for tenderizing meat: a norn woman knows this well. When the chips are down, the BEST use for a hammer is to kill some epic creature that she can harvest from, subsist on, and of course, tell the story about how she single-handedly bested it in mortal combat. I don’t know about you, but that would impress me. How’s your dragon steak by the way? I cooked it. SOMEONE has to be good with the oven…may as well be me.
8- Animal Passion- Do I really need to elaborate on this one? I highly doubt a norn woman will have to transform to access the great well of passion she most likely has. All I can tell you is if the lodge is a rockin’, don’t bother knockin’!
9- Easy to please: whereas humans will get tied up in needing the best in everything… new clothes, new weapons, etc, a norn woman is easy to please. Prove you are worth her time by doing something heroic, even moreso if it involves her. She will not forget it, and you will gain more brownie points than you have karma points. If you MUST go the avenue of getting her new things, might I suggest warm, yet revealing fur tunics, with precious metal wrappings; a sturdy bodice (she’ll need it being so well endowed); and leather strapped gauntlets. Some strong boots from an animal you killed and honored would not go amiss either. OH, YEAH, don’t forget the ale…lots of Bear’s Brown Ale.
10- The makeup lovemaking: norn are quick to anger, yet equally quick to forgive. So provided she does not bash you over the head with her hammer, you might just find the makeup locemaking to be more phenomenal than with any other woman. Of course my advice to you would be not to upset her in the first place (see number 2). If, on the off chance you do, rest assured as soon as she cools off, she still loves you…wear a helmet though.
11- Best Friends Forever: Even if one does not end up marrying the norn woman, if you have gained her loyalty over the years, you have a friend for life who will have your back at every opportunity, and speak highly of you at moots far and wide. Just bear in mind however that your deeds will not be as great as hers…but she will at least give you the honorable mention in her stories. Nothing like a best friend bear hug to warm even the coldest days…I think my back just cracked.
12- Shared Responsibility: In many of the stories of the norn there is an underlying theme of shared responsibility. This is at once at odds with their individualistic nature, and yet, not wholly surprising. The norn are a smart people who know the benefits of banding together, whether for the Great Hunt, or simply to raise a strong family. A norn woman knows she has as much say as a man, and bears as much of the task of protection and provision. That’s the way a partnership should be. What? Do the dishes? Yes, dear…
13- Last but not least, the one major reason why I want a norn girlfriend is; She can drink me under the table. I will say this about me, my real life legends have involved much drinking, and the occasional passing out. There is NO denying that a norn woman will have the stamina and love of all things alcoholic in just the right mix that will make for an awesome moot, which we may not even remember the next morning…but what a story there will be to tell…
Once someone wakes us up in the barn and fills us in…
And finds our clothes.
Sigh… I cannot wait for Guild Wars 2.
About the author: Belenos, or Bel as he prefers, has been into gaming since Pong was in beta, and into MMORPGs since Star Wars Galaxies opened. Now officially “divorced” from SWG, Bel has recently started dating Guild Wars, and hopes the relationship will be long lasting. When not writing for TalkTyria, or on his personal blog- “Drewciferianisms“, Bel can be found in Elona, spearhunting Fanged Iboga… Or outside in the real world grilling Jerk Chicken. Follow him on Twitter if you’d like!